The Szymanek Miracle: Gator Becomes a Real Boy

Joes Barbell
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@ HAF Two Days Before the Big Day

For good reason the blog has been down for a few days.  A human actually fell out of my wife.  Don’t worry, the midwife caught Gator.  What an incredible moment.  I recently poked fun about women keeping that miracle and after witnessing what it takes to naturally produce a human I still feel the same way.  Women you can keep that one.  I can’t imagine going through that kind of pain and torture.  Nor can I begin to compare the effort and determination it took for Eliza to produce her first miracle.  Closest thing I can think of is attempting multiple max effort lifts on the minute every minute for an hour straight and while you rest how’s about doing some burpees, wall balls, and a few muscle ups.  Oh yeah, and before you even start doing all that take your best shot at the H.U.R.T. 100.  If that doesn’t sum it up I’ll get into some specifics.  Names, places, events and anatomy will not be changed.  There are no innocent or guilty to protect plus were all adults, hopefully.  For your blogging pleasure; 

The Szymanek Miracle: Gator Becomes a Real Boy
Our story begins at 2 am with a nudge in bed and an urgent message from Eliza.  “Joe, I’m bleeding pretty bad and the Bradley Book says the “Bloody Show” is the first sign of labor.”  I was tired, not real motivated to do all this laboring, and unconvinced that Wick knew what she was talking about.  What the hell is the “Bloody Show?”  Well, it’s actually a regularly used term by Bradley and other birthing strategist.  Interesting Fact #1: The “Bloody Show” is a pink- or brown-tinged stringy mucus discharge.  And, a sign that mommy’s cervix is dilating. Also, a definite signal that mother to be really is on her way towards labor and delivery.  This information was so exciting and profound that wouldn’t you believe it, I actually rolled over, went back to bed, and told Eliza to “calm down.”  The truth was that all the experts we consulted said Gator wouldn’t arrive until May 8th.  Plus, I’m knee deep in qualifying for the Nor. Cal. Regional, it’s just not a good time to begin this labor process.  Crazy part is that I was so convincing and Eliza is such a workaholic that she actually went back to sleep and did end up going to work.  Interesting fact #2: Eliza works at the Hospital where we were scheduled to birth Gator at and never consulted her Doc.  That didn’t last long.  She was home by 7 am (I was still in bed).  Most of the morning and afternoon was relatively uneventful.  Eliza was timing contractions and I went grocery shopping.  Interesting fact #3: I purchased women’s panty liners for the first time on this trip.  When I got home from the store around 11 am Eliza’s Contractions were a steady 10-12 minutes apart and gaining ground in terms of intensity.  After a phone consult with our mid wife and Bradley instructor I was 85% convinced it was “game on.”  My first thought was food.  In order to do this right, we both needed to be fueled up.  The lunch menu was gluten free pancakes, homemade whipped cream with an apple and strawberry compo and apple smoked chicken sausage.  Pretty good huh?  We all thought so too.  The rest of the afternoon consisted of timing contractions. I had a very sophisticated method for doing this; wrist watch, white paper, pen, and anguishing feedback from mommy.  
Essential Timing Tools
At around 6:30 PM the contractions were about 4 minutes apart.  Not to mention Wick was losing the ability to maintain normal human posture.  Again, knowing the seriousness of the situation I thought of only one thing, Food.  I grilled up some mahi, pressure cooked some boc choy and heated up the world’s greatest carbohydrate (purple mash spiked with coconut oil).  Interesting fact # 4: the calcium in boc choy is more absorbable than calcium in milk, cheese, and yogurt – and there is more of it…  I think.  I force fed Eliza and we were out door.  Upon our arrival Eliza showed the desk attendant exactly how to Squat to full depth during a contraction to alleviate pain.  Heels were down, hips were back, and her torso was vertical; it was a thing of beauty.  After her check up, we had learned that Eliza was 5 cm dilated, Gator was at the -2 position (something to do with head position and the pelivis, ask the experts).  Now, I was finally convinced.  Eliza showed her excitement by puking up the delicious meal I force fed her 20 minutes earlier, what a waste, my B hun.  The next few hours we walked around, continued to squat, did some doggy style massaging, played with the lighting, and tested out the Jacuzzi tub in the labor room.  While in the tub our Nurse, Cpt. Mickey Mouse (this name was changed), warned we couldn’t birth in the tub and to let her know what the pain had changed.  I thought, “how the hell are we going to know that?”  Eliza knew and begun to educate me by screaming expletives at the top of her lungs, “Holy fucking shit, this is so fucking painful” were the words I could make out.  She also pleaded, “Joe, stop being my coach and start acting like my husband, LET ME GET THE DAMN SHOT!”  After consulting the Doc and learning that Eliza was progressing ahead of schedule I decided to stick to the plan we had discussed over the last 4 weeks.  We kept it real and at 10pm Eliza was fully dilated and ready to push.  The pushing was intense and lasted about an hour.  We began to put each of the Bradley, and other, positions to the test.  The best for mommy and gator was arms at the head board and knees on the bed.  At 11:10 PM Gator hit the mattress and I got to make the coolest announcement of my life, “free tequila for everyone” I mean “IT’S A BOY!!!”  After the announcement I cut the cord, after it was done pulsing of course, cleaned the little guy up, and spent the next 2 hours bonding.

I was close to cutting the wrong cord.  Thanks Doc.
7 pounds 10 ounces; and pure twisted steel and sex appeal
Gator (Joe, Joey, Mason?) gets his first bath

Surprisingly enough Eliza was bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I think Cpt. Mickey Mouse slipped her some PCP, but the experts say that the endorphins and adrenaline after birth are just some of the positive effects for natural birthing mothers.  Oh yeah, that was another interesting fact.  5,6 I lost count.  That’s it, we are a family now; Joe (Dad), Eliza (Mom) and Joseph Mason Vizzini Szymanek (Son/Miracle #1).  What an incredible day.  And, it’s really only the beginning for our little clan.  We had tremendous support and can’t wait to show off our new toy.  First we have to fill him up with colostrum and get his immune system up.  Get ready world, it’s about to get interesting.   

The Szymanek family and the happiest you’ll ever see us.