What’s In a Name?

Joes Barbell
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There is no escaping the fact that baby number two is weeks away from being dropped into the cluster f**k that is Szymanek Hawaii.  Things really are a bit of a mess on the home front.  I’m not sure which is going to drive me into the woods first; Caroline taking her frustration’s out on the family by peeing on our dirty laundry or Mason ripping his diapers off and playing Johnny Apple seed in the kitchen.  Both cases gross me out and lead to anything but a good time; although, when Mason shats on the kitchen floor it’s a much easier clean up than de-spackling his hind quarters after a being stuck in the parking lot that is H1.    

To escape the futile reality that we are presently wondering through Eliza and I often look to better times by playing name the new baby.  Most nights it’s harmless, some nights its comedy hour, and one night it was a family history lesson.  However, every now and then it just leads to frustration.  I told Eliza I really wouldn’t get into this over the internet but I couldn’t resist.  To save some face, and maintain marital contentness (bliss is aiming a little high at the moment) I won’t give you all the names we are considering but I will discuss the two names that each of us hate. 
It’s my opinion that the new mouth to feed should be named Hannah.  I know its ubber traditional and sound’s a little like granola (thanks for the line Kevin) but that’s only true if you haven’t seen that movie, Hannah.  I want my little lady coming out punching and kicking.  The little girl in the movie Hannah did a lot of punching and kicking and also broke a few necks along the way.  Plus, she also spoke a lot of languages and memorized all the encyclopedias.  I love the idea of naming the little one after a fictional stone cold killer.  To think of it in those terms an even better name might be Beatrix, but I digress and it matters not.  Facts are that Eliza can’t escape the fact that the name Hannah makes her think of lonely old ladies, creepy movies, and a husband that is easily influenced by action movies.  Veto goes to Eliza.
I’m pretty sure that if Eliza had her way she’d name our future girl wonder Chloe.  I apologize to those of you named Chloe in advance for what I am about to say but the next few words aren’t flattering.  Please, be offended but save your criticism for someone who cares.  From the very second I heard the name Chloe I thought it was a promiscuous (nice for slutty).  At best Chloe is the clueless pretty girl that is only friends with the guys she is or has french kissed.  I consulted one expert on girl names (a girl who has named her own girl) and she simply said, “Chloe is kinda dirty.”  Sorry, it’s just my opinion and who am I anyway?  I’m just the daddy who is using his veto power on the name Chloe.      
If you have never gone through the process of naming a human it’s pretty freaking stressful.  The stuff that goes through your mind as you contemplate the permanent tag your about to push on a little person is insane.  That’s a stripper’s name! She’ll grow up herding cats! Does any of it really matter?  Aren’t the relationships and environment you establish with the little one the real determining factors regarding their future?  Who knows?  If you’re a parent to be, discussing names, or even thinking about babies take my advice and save the name game for the day of.  When you see “IT” you’ll probably know what to call “IT…” hopefully.